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Friday, October 30, 2009

Believe it or not, I am better than I was......

I am back. This has been one of the most difficult years of my life.

I am in a financial crisis, which is not new for me, but this time, I have no job, no boyfriend or family to back me up if things get dire. And they are dire now. I could not do my craft shows for several months due to my broken ankle and now that I am doing them again, everyone is broke, so they are not buying. I had an investment that went bankrupt, so the last of my money is gone.

My cat, Grace, died. She had been ill for months with a thyroid and heart condition, taking meds twice a day. But she took a turn for the worse and was not going to get better.

Many friends have died or are critically ill.

I was housebound with a broken ankle for nearly 3 months, relying on friends for food, water and many chores around the house. I see that I can no longer live out here in the woods alone. It is life threatening. I watched a movie that really hit home last night called Grey Gardens. It is about a mother and daughter who were related to Jackie Kennedy. Based on a true story, it shows their descent from high society to penury. A house once filled with music, cocktails and guests, becomes a stinking repository of garbage and animals urinating everywhere. Very sad and depressing. I looked around my place here and saw that things are definitely deteriorating and I do not have the resources to maintain the house or the yard. I am considering moving into senior housing and selling the house for whatever I can get for it.

My lover/friend of twenty years just dropped out of my life with no explanation. He is out of the country right now and I cannot afford to call him. Also, I could not bear it if he did not take my call, so I am not going to do it.

I am depressed, heart-broken, cold, and feel that life has no meaning or purpose. We are just here to suffer, period.

What makes it harder in many ways is that I am surrounded by all these people who 'are praying for me' or 'sending me light' or encouraging me to 'change my attitude'. It drives me crazy.

Here I am in a freezing house (I cannot afford more propane, so I'm saving it to cook with), recycling my toilet paper for God's sake, and cooking beans every other day.... I know, at least I have a house, water, beans, a stove. And I get 'change your attitude' from people who have never suffered one minute of their lives. They have always lived in comfort.

I know we need rain, but a couple of weeks ago, during that storm, I had a collision with a downed tree and my insurance company is saying it was my fault and so raising my insurance. Hitting the tree was the safest option considering the road I was on. It took taking it in twice to get the repairs right and although most of it was covered by insurance, I still had to come up with a deductible. Thanks to a kind friend who had just given me a financial gift that I was planning to use for food, I had enough to make the deductible. So, I got my car fixed, but I don't have the money to put gas in it so I can use it. Maybe I should move into the car.

Oh yes, and the guaranteed roof job I had done a couple of years ago, continued to leak over my bed. I don't like it when it rains. I am totally dreading this winter, because I could not pay my flood insurance and I think we are due for a flood out here. I live 3 feet from a creek that goes over every few years.

I can just hear you now saying...."Don't be negative, change your attitude. Think positive." Do you really think that makes any difference? Do you really believe in "The Law of Attraction?" What if you want something good and your neighbor who hates you wants a tree to fall on your house? Whose LOA wins? Is it only good stuff that happens? If so, then you can think all the negative stuff you want.

I'd really like to hear from those who 'know' this is true. I'd like to hear what you have to say about it. So.... now that I am thinking negatively, do I have to feel bad about that too? I feel what I feel. I try to do what I can each moment to feel better. Sometimes that means 'stopping thought'. I am beginning to see 'losing your mind' as a good thing. Who wants to remember anything? Forget it all. Just breathe in and breathe out. No thoughts. Bliss. Forget the unpayable bills. Be Here Now. Maybe the whole thing is just a dream. We will all wake up to a happy life.